been used to deeper wonders than the waves

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mystacoceti
mystacoceti

Sometime near five, I had just stepped from the living room as my sister came out of her room in the back, when the lock on the hall door between us ratcheted. The door swung in. Then my mother and aunts erupted through, all at once:

"It's all over! It's all over!—the poor boy—he's gone! Oh, the poor boy!"

(That was one of my father's older sisters, Bessie. As the announcement broke through the women's sobs, why, I wondered, feeling distant, do we turn in stress to such banalities?)

"No more suffering! It's all over!" My Aunt Virginia's voice might have been that of a traffic policeman clearing the road, as she led in my mother, an arm around her shoulders. "He's out of his pain."

The four of my father's sisters, Bessie, Sadie, Laura, and Julia, as well as my mother, were in tears. (Only Virginia, my mother's sister, was not crying.) All six women—I realized—already wore black.

That evening, over Mom's protests, I went talking by Riverside Park. Dead leaves mortared the pavement around Grant's Tomb. For some reason, sitting on one of the benches beside the public mausoleum, I took my shoes and socks off to amble barefoot on the chill concrete, beneath the mercury vapor lights, notebook under my arm. I'd been trying to write an elegy. It began, "They told me you were not in any pain ..." because, for some reason, that's what people had been saying to me about him a week now, even though every movement had made him gasp, grunt, or grate his teeth.

Days later, in suit and tie, I sat beside my mother in the front row of folding chairs in the funeral chapel, watching Brother (the same cousin who had driven us to the hospital, and who had been running my father's funeral business a year now, since Dad had been too ill to work) go up at the end of the service to the basket banked left and right by flowers, take the corpse's hand in his, and, with a sharp tug, remove my father's ring. Then he reached up to lower dark, gleaming wood. Moments afterward, outside the funeral home on Seventh Avenue among milling relatives and friends, he handed the ring to me and I slipped it into the inside pocket of my suit jacket, before I got into the gray, nestlike sofness of the funeral car for the ride to the cemetery.

from The Motion of Light in Water, Samuel R. Delany

long post grief